Baby 1, Cat 0

Dearest (friend who shall remain nameless due to the embarrassment that 1)I am actually a friend of hers and 2) I actually sent this card to her on the occasion of her baby shower):

I am so terribly sorry I cannot be there today to share in the joy of
your impending loss of all independence, peace, and quiet. You should
take solace in the fact that the baby will not make her appearance
through your sternum as in "Alien." And while you will be busy soon
cleaning up bodily functions that will make you think you are,
actually, in "Alien," rest assured knowing that you now have an
insurance policy against ending up in an old folks' home. There are
some people such as myself who have all the independence, peace, and
quiet in the world, but a child is a much better way to go. Teaching a
cat to empty a bedside commode is going to be difficult.

You are going to make an excellent mother. Your baby is lucky to have
you. Take a good look around this room - you are looking at a support
system that will be available for advice, support, and free babysitting.

I, on the other hand, am in no way, shape, or form offering to babysit
as these selfless people have. I will babysit your dogs, however. If
you need any advice on babies, don't hesistate to ask! I was one
myself not 28 years ago.

I miss you, and have FUN! I am far more excited about the idea of you
and Brett multiplying rather than a 15 year-old crack whore and her
baby daddy bringing more people into the world.

Katie