Say it with Assuredness

I love the movie "Catch me if you Can." The book is even better (isn't it always?) Frank Abagnale Jr details his exploits as a pilot, pediatrician, and lawyer, all professions usually requiring a licence, none of which he had. The key to his success was good old-fashioned panache.

I usually speak in such a way that I sound like I know what I'm talking about.

This is a ruse.

(For the record, I make a mental note to look up my assertions later.) Once, my family and I were driving through flat acreage of farm land known locally as "the Palouse." My grandfather asked me what the word meant. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's a Native American word for 'rolling hills.'"

My father almost drove off the road. "You are so full of bullshit. It's a French word!" he said, laughing.

"Wow. She really sounded like she knew what she was talking about, too," my grandpa said. I couldn't tell if it was reverance or disgust I heard in his voice. (For the record, I was sort of correct: "Palouse" is an offshoot of the French "pelouse": land with short, thick grasses.)

I'm not much of a salesperson, which is unfortunate. I could harness my evil for good. Or more evil, depending on your position on acquiring filthy wealth.

The other day, a coworker approached me at the copier. "Hey, Katie, catch!" she said, miming like she was about to toss a foodstuff toward my mouth.

"Oh my gosh, don't!" I said, slapping my hands protectively over my mouth.

"What's the matter? It's only an M&M," she said, confusion clouding her face.

"Do you have any idea how many people die each year from choking to death on M&M's?" I said. "Seventeen. Google it."

Her eyes grew wide, having fallen awestruck under my spell. "Wow. How do you know all this stuff?"

(For the record: M&M's lawyers seem to have gotten to Google, as I am unable to double-check my educated-guess statistic. HOwever, it seems that thirty people die in elevators each year. So while you might choke to death on an M&M, you're more likely to die in an elevator. So take the stairs.)