"How many times is your grandfather going to turn 90?"

My grandpa is turning 90 this weekend. My parents are in California to celebrate with him.

I am in my living room.

For the entireity of the months that Grandpa's party has been in the planning stages, I've known that traveling is just too much for my body, and my brain, right now. I sincerely hope that this isn't a permanent thing, but all I can do is make choices based on previous outcomes.

I went to my cousin's wedding in Arizona this past June. I wouldn't say I was miserable - my family is full of great, wonderful people. However, like with any family, more than one person is usually talking at a time, and not quietly, either. Music is usually playing, or a television has been left on. You're in mid-conversation with someone, only to be asked a quick question by someone else.

These used to not be issues for me. Now, the mere thought of these situations makes it almost impossible to concentrate enough to keep typing. I've been seeing several specialists lately, all of whom are of the mindset that I need to adapt to fit my new capabilities (lack thereof...), as the amount of improvement in cognition required to get me back to where I was is just not going to happen.

That's fine. I'm really okay with that. I'm used to having to adapt my activities to fit what my body cannot do. Being in California for the next week while family bustles and scurries and laughs and talks and is a big mish-mash in one place would leave my marbles pretty rattled. It took me a few weeks before I was feeling on an even keel after my cousin's wedding.

What I can't say is that I'm completely fine with missing this milestone in my grandpa's life. I went to Grandma's 90th birthday, and it was a kick seeing her surrounded by everyone who loved her.

I hope the party is great fun, that he gets to visit with everyone who comes, and that in all the memories he makes of the day, he doesn't remember that I wasn't there.