Caution - Hope Ahead

Do you ever find yourself on a precipice - Do I jump? Do I stay on the sideline, assuring safety, but denying possible exhilaration?

I find it interesting, the things we'll "jump" over, and the things that keep us on the sideline.

An ex-boyfriend of mine emailed me out of the blue yesterday, wanting to get together for a playdate with our dachshunds. I didn't really want to, as his dog is a titch aggressive.

I politely declined. I was proud of myself for being polite. After all, he did dump me by saying, "Now that my confidence is up, I'd like to see what else is out there."

He wrote back, and said, "Fine, ignore my attempts! : )"

Attempts? Does this mean he might want to start hanging out again? I felt a flutter of anticipation.

Wait a sec, my reasoning told me. This guy is the biggest commitment-phobe since David Letterman. Don't get your hopes up - it'll only lead to disappointment.

I emailed him back, and asked if Saturday or Sunday worked best for him.

Several hours passed with no communication. Then, I got an email - "I don't know what day. I have a headache and am not thinking clearly."

He has a headache. Well, I suppose everyone has to be told that at least once in their life. Hopefully this got mine over with. I knew that was going to happen! Why was I so eager to send myself tumbling over that cliff?

And yet I'm working like a crazy person, trying to finish and perfect my second book for an agent conference this August. I'm petrified, afraid to hope for the outrageous good luck of getting an agent (and subsequent book deal). I sneak a peek into that canyon once in awhile (okay, several times a day) but I won't step off the ledge into unbridled hope.

At first glance, this makes me look like a raging pessimist. But, giving myself the benefit of the doubt, I think my attempts at finding companionship, and my unwillingness to wish too hard for success, is my soul's way of protecting me - It's okay to throw caution to the wind with things, and people, I don't really need, but when it comes to a dream that makes me bite my lip with anticipation, caution is my insurance policy for being able to wake up every morning without validation of my writing talent.