What's the purpose?

I have long wondered what, exactly, is the purpose of fingernails? Evolutionarily speaking, you've got to admit, they're an adaptation that has long outlived its purpose. We don't need our fingernails to catch the chickens that we purchase pre-cut and deboned, packaged in cellophane at the grocery store. The nails do help tearing through the cellophane, but something tells me that's not what Darwin would have in mind if asked to explain, "So, what about fingernails?"

They come in handy for personal grooming of one's nostrils. They satiate itches in hard to reach places. They could gouge out a would-be rapist's eyeballs if necessary.

But beyond that, they are a nuisance.

If I've got nails, I'll gnaw on them with a nervous, beaver-like determination to keep my fingertips clear of the obstructions. I'm a fast typer, and fingernails of any respectable length act as miniature echo chambers, causing my key strokes to reverberate around my cubicle. My coworkers to engage me in conversation just so I'll slow my pace and thus decrease the keboarding cacophany.

I find a direct correlation between my personal stress levels and the length of my fingernails. When something is going badly (usually my dating life) the pretty, pristine white tips are no where to be found. When I isolate myself and do nothing but work and write, things that make me happy, the nails are allowed to grow with reckless abandon. If I went to therapy, the doc wouldn't need to ask me how things were going - he'd just need to glance at my fingers. 'Hmmm. Fingernails bitten to the quick. Pizza sauce under the thumb nail. Chocolate under the pinky. Yep, this is going to take the whole 50 minutes.'

It's like candy. If it's not in my pantry, I won't eat it. I usually won't even know it's gone. Same with fingernails. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't chew on them disgustingly, and I doubt I'd miss them - except for when I'm about to get out of the car for another first-and-last date and notice in my rearview mirror that I've got some personal grooming that needs to be done. Eh, nothing the cap from a Bic couldn't do in a pinch.